Disguises and Diners
by Nemaides
Summary: Skulduggery Pleasant discusses the disadvantages to his disguise. A one-shot


"You wouldn't believe how troublesome it is to put on a disguise."

Valkyrie Cain glanced over the crowded diner, and then looked back at her troubled companion. She raised her eyebrows, took a long sip of smoothie, and grinned. "It's just a wig. And sunglasses."

"It's like I said. You wouldn't _believe_." Skulduggery Pleasant seemed a bit miffed; he crossed his arms, ignoring the glass of smoothie that Valkyrie had subtly pushed in front of him.

"Well? What's so bad about it then?" Valkyrie asked humorously. "It's probably tragic, isn't it?"

"Tragic? What kind of person do you think I am?"

"A dead one."

"Bluntly put, Valkyrie." The skeleton detective straightened his gloves and sighed. "The sunglasses. Who wears _sunglasses_ during winter?"

"Weird people," Valkyrie replied innocently. She scratched her chin. "Oh, wait . . . that explains a lot."

"Please. Let's be professional here," Skulduggery retorted indignantly. Valkyrie grinned smugly.

"Then you take in the wig." Skulduggery Pleasant pulled at a lock of his frizzy red hair. "It itches like crazy. An unbearable itching that's driving me _mad..."_

"Then why do you bother to wear that one?" Valkyrie pointed out. "Seems a whole lot of bother. Plus, red hair doesn't really go with turquoise suits, Skulduggery. Just saying."

"Ah, but this wig is _special." _Skulduggery pushed the glass of smoothie to the side. "Perfectly tailored to withstand tornadoes. One could rampage right by and it would stay exactly the same—not a hair out of place."

"Tornado attacks?" Valkyrie lifted her straw and pointed it at him. "You're kidding me."

"I'm perfectly serious."

"A tornado. You do realize where we are, Skulduggery? Haggard, _Ireland. _No tornadoes."

Skulduggery appeared to be crestfallen. "I see. You do have a habit of ruining plans that appear to be perfect, don't you? You did it with Kenspeckle Grouse and his bottle of salt water. Now you've done it with my wig. Who are next, our enemies? If so, please continue on. It would be great if a twelve-year-old could convince them _not _to raise the Faceless Ones."

"I'm thirteen."

"Same thing. Twelve, thirteen, a hundred . . . what's the difference?"

Valkyrie glowered.

"Excuse me, are you going to just sit there and talk all day?"

The skeleton detective and the girl both swiveled in the booth to face the waitress. She grew quite red and shifted the tray in her arms.

"There's people waiting for seats," the waitress said defensively.

Valkyrie took a long slurp of her smoothie. "We were just leaving."

The waitress grew emboldened. "And you, sir," she added, turning to Skulduggery. "It's quite rude to wear sunglasses inside like that. We're a _civilized _diner," she added with a sniff.

"You hear that, Skulduggery?" Valkyrie grinned. "It's a civilized diner. Now go on."

"You are a worse influence on me than I am on you, it would seem," Skulduggery scoffed.

"Listen to the girl," the waitress snapped. She placed the finished smoothies onto her tray and whisked away. "At least she has some sense…sunglasses and that hat in the diner, I can't believe it…covering up like he has something to _hide…_"

Skulduggery crossed his arms. "Stop grinning at me like that, Valkyrie."

"It's funny. And if we could only see her reaction…" Valkyrie sighed in disappointment. "Oh, well. Too bad—"

Skulduggery removed his hat. Then his sunglasses. Then his his wig. "I could get a severe reprimand from the Sanctuary from this."

"You've never followed the rules before," Valkyrie said earnestly. "And besides. At last you can take off that oh-so-_itchy _wig."

The bleached white skull grinned back at her.

The waitress whisked back with their check, placed it on the table—and let out a shriek. "Oh! My goodness, I . . . what's _happened_? It's terrible!" she screamed.

"Is something wrong?" Skulduggery asked politely. He tipped his hat to her and placed it on the top of his white skull. "Good day."

And with that, Skulduggery Pleasant and his snickering assistant strolled out of the restaurant.


End file.
